Monday, March 30, 2015

Drought faces exciting lineup of challengers

Minneapolis, MN - Mar 30, 2015

The Upper Midwest Drought of 2015, aka "the Natural" (also often known as "Dry-Heaver"), emerged from the chaos of the recent winter as the clear victor, having prevented significant snowfall from accumulating over much of the Upper Midwest for multiple months on end. And now, with a new season upon us, this drought faces a barrage of new challengers, each with a slightly different style and approach.

Last week, the drought met an earnest newcomer, "Snowband Sal," which dropped some heavy snow over southern Minnesota, northeastern Iowa and southwestern Wisconsin. But the current champ seemed to shrug it off with defiant arrogance, and then later posted this taunting photo below, which shows Sal's footprint within a continued precipitation deficit over the entire region.


This Wednesday, the drought faces a strong low pressure system that claims it will wobble the champion with thunderstorms and heavy rainfall. This system, which calls itself "The Reverser" and has been boasting about its "1.2 inches of precipitable water gone wild," believes it has what it takes to send the drought packing. "Our plan is to hit southern Minnesota with thunderstorms, thunderstorms, and more thunderstorms on Wednesday afternoon and evening. And after that, we're going to Iowa and Wisconsin, where we're will party right through the night. With thunderstorms"

The champ, however, sees it differently. "The Reverser is a serious challenger, but I think it is pretty one-dimensional and has underestimated my reach. I am not only in southern Minnesota. I am in western and northern Minnesota, the eastern Dakotas, Kansas, Texas. I have very strong ties to California. Everything I have seen tells me The Reverser is going to work narrow and concentrated, instead of widespread. Really!?! You're going to undo my quarter-million square miles of coverage with maybe ten thousand square miles of heavy rain? That doesn't add up. You need more than to defeat The Natural, baby!"

The drought did want fans to know it wasn't taking anything for granted, however, and had a creative defensive game plan. "These things can be reversed in blink of an eye; I know I won't be here forever. But I intend to make my stay memorable. I am going to do everything I can to prevent or at least neutralize the effects of The Reverser. Look for warm, dry, and windy conditions before it arrives, which I hope will remove even more water from the soil and make it harder to unseat me. And watch for mild and dry conditions after it leaves. I am hoping fans will have forgotten about this chump by the end of the year."


Even if The Reverser fails, enthusiasts point to next Monday (April 6), and the anticipated arrival of the weather system known as Big Steady Jr. According to observer and analyst Benjamin Rosenthal, "Big Steady Jr. has been making noise on the models for over a week now, and has the appealing combination of widespread precipitation, a long duration, and cool temperatures--it even looks like it could produce heavy snow in northern Minnesota. If you've seen any of those promos that have been leaked, some of them look ferocious, though I must admit, others look pretty run-of-the-mill. Of course, BSJ's upper-level energy just left Kamchatka, and its surface features don't even exist yet, so it's a bit premature to make serious bets about this event and whether it will pose a real challenge to The Natural."

And the current champ isn't losing focus. "Everyone knows about the bad blood between my family and Big Steady Junior's family, and I would like nothing more than to watch BSJ's remnants evaporate after failing to unseat me, as a little payback for 2007 [when the Big Steady family tag-teamed with the The Thunderground in a regime-changing series of overnight attacks on the reigning drought]. But right now I'm locked on Wednesday April 1, and the fool they call The Reverser, who I plan to dry-heave out of existence. Gwaaahh!"

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